


drowning

by deandratb



Category: One Day at a Time (TV 2017)
Genre: Coming Out, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-06-27 16:47:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19794940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deandratb/pseuds/deandratb
Summary: Elena's thoughts, leading up to her coming out to Penelope in "Sex Talk."





	drowning

Elena knew she could have come out to her mom when she'd asked, that night. _No more secrets,_ she remembered with a wince, thinking back to that scene in their living room. _Right._

She could have spoken up there in front of everyone, but she wasn't ready. Not even close. 

Ever since then, the weight of her new understanding of herself, it was weighing her down. The not-saying. The worry.

She was spending most of her time at Josh's house, which felt safer but had clearly backfired by turning her mom into a crazy person. Now she was stuck, between a friend who accepted her for who she was, and a mom who thought that meant she was having sex. 

God, even the idea of that was mortifying. And so ridiculous, she couldn't let it pass by unquestioned.

“I don’t think I like him like that,” Elena confessed. For just a second--just a moment, a brief flash of hope against hope--she thought maybe her mom got it. 

Maybe she would figure it out, understand without Elena having to tell her. Then Elena heard the words “there’ll be plenty of other boys” and her hopes sank. 

Even open-minded people like her mom…even she assumed that the world was straight. That her kids were straight. 

Elena tried again. “I don’t think I’ll ever fall in love with a boy.”

Her mom continued to misunderstand her, and it would’ve almost been funny if it didn’t hurt so much. It was like she was **trying** not to hear her. She kept talking like Elena was just a man-hating feminist who would figure it out as soon as the right boy showed up, and Elena couldn’t take it anymore. 

She hadn't planned to come out tonight. Or in her room, a place she had always felt safe and comfortable in--a space she might be about to ruin with her mom’s reaction. 

Sure, she knew she would have to come out eventually, but she was kind of hoping to wait until she had things figured out more. Maybe once she was in college and didn’t have to live under someone else’s roof. Someone who was about to realize Elena wasn’t the daughter she was supposed to be. 

She definitely hadn't predicted that porn would be the catalyst for this conversation. _Curiosity. A dumb impulse._ Remembering made her flush.

But here they were. 

It had been harder to breathe since she figured it out. Since she kissed Josh and the best she could feel was meh. As soon as she knew for sure, that she was never going to meet the "right" boy because her right boy was not a boy at all, it felt like her whole world was shrinking.

Every conversation, she worried it might slip out--every comment from her _Abuelita_ about her _quinces_ , every look her mom gave her when she came home from Josh’s house. It was too much. 

The air around them was tightening its grip on her chest; her throat hurt holding it in. Her mom was going on about how great it was that they had this honest, close relationship. Right next to her, Elena was drowning on dry land, and she didn't even notice.

Elena chose her words carefully. The last thing she wanted was to just blurt out "I’m gay!" Even her phrasing was designed to make the blow land easier. 

“I see myself someday loving a woman,” both reminding her mom that she was going to be an adult soon, and putting the idea out there as a future event. She wasn’t in love with a girl right now, she didn’t know when it might happen, and maybe that would make it easier for her mom to hear.

She wasn’t sure how she managed to get the words out without her voice shaking, without her whole body shaking. She could feel it on the inside; all of her trembling, terrified.

Her mom loved her, she had always loved her, but if this conversation had made anything clear, it was also that the Elena she’d always loved was very much a straight girl, in her mom’s head. Which means that the Elena she loved wasn’t really **her.**

The person Elena actually was somehow managed to say it without her voice cracking, without crying or throwing up. She had to steady herself before she risked looking at her mom. 

_Do you still love me? Is this okay? Are we going to be okay?_

Her mom cracked a joke, and she felt part of her heart unclench. She fumbled her way through an explanation she'd rehearsed a lot in her head already. She was grateful her mom let her talk, asked her to instead of leading with her own feelings. 

Elena was still scared deep down, but the fact that her mom was listening, that she was still on the bed next to her, even--that was a good sign. 

“Are you okay with this?” She asked, and Penelope hesitated, but not very long. 

“Of course I am,” she answered, everything about her reassuring and loving and present, the way she always was. 

The rest of Elena relaxed, and she could breathe again. For the first time in what felt like years, for the first time since she started to realize she was different, Elena stopped drowning. 

Her mom’s hug was warmth and safety and home, and Elena found herself finally back on solid ground.

**Author's Note:**

> #91 in my 100 Stories Challenge for ODAAT. Prompt list [here](https://actuallylorelaigilmore.tumblr.com/post/186061589290/because-i-needed-a-challenge-to-get-me-back-into).


End file.
